Last Saturday, I had the chance to ride on my brother's tandem bicycle made for three riders. We never forget how to ride a bike, right? We just hop on and take off, pedaling like mad to keep the bike upright and moving forward. Well, as I found out, a tandem bike is quite different. The person in front does most of the work, while those in back are just along for the ride. Seems easy enough, eh? I was so wrong!
The front rider (my brother in this case) must have full control of the bike at all times. It is imperative that this happen; otherwise, the person steering could lose control of the bike and crash. So this means, of course, that the rear riders (my daughter and myself) have to be willing to give up control about how fast, how much effort we used, and where the bike will go! (now are you getting the picture? When was the last time you willingly gave up control of a bicycle you were on?).
As we drove, my brother called out commands to us: "Coast!" "Move your feet in smooth circles!" "Don't lock your legs!" "Don't lock me out!" As he tried to turn corners, go faster, or move the bike in the way he needed to, we (mostly me) had a hard time letting him have complete control. I automatically wanted to commandeer that bike and ride it at the pace and comfort level I was used to. Which, of course, caused my brother much chagrin. And concern that the bike could get away from us all and we would end up in a heap on the road. As I learned the tricks and traps, I found the experience exhilarating, but also kind of scary.
After the ride (and we arrived back safely), I began to reflect on the experience and to apply this to life in general. About giving up control. I don't consider myself to be a control freak, but I'm not too happy to hand over all power to others, either. And sometimes I just know that my way is the best way.
And yet, what in life do we really control? Not much. We cannot control what others do and say. We cannot control the stock market or our world leaders. We cannot control our spouses or our children or anyone else, for that matter. We cannot control whether that human resources person will hire us for that job we really want. We can influence, but not control.
So what do we control? Only what we say and think and how we act at any given time. We can choose our words. We can decide what our attitude will be. We can manage our own behavior even when that other person is totally out of control.
The need to control is a response to a real or perceived fear. We believe that if we are not in control, then something bad will happen. The bike will wreck, the food will burn, the vacation will be screwed up, our kids will turn out to be horrible little hoodlums, unless we take control and plan it and do it all. We are certain that the only way things have a chance to work out OK is if we ourselves take full control of the situation.
The problem is, even if we try to have true control over everything, stuff will still happen. Life will throw us a curve ball. A child runs out in front of the bike, and we have to swerve to miss. We'll get a phone call, and dinner will burn. Our car will break down on the interstate during the vacation leaving us stranded hundreds of miles from home. We try so hard to control our child, that he eventually refuses to listen anymore, because we shut him out from being able to make his own choices and learning self-control.
Fear, anxiety, and stress are the products of refusing to give up control. We are much healthier and happier when we admit that we control very little. Yet we fear what will happen if we give up control. So what is the opposite of fear? Trust.
I had to learn to trust my brother that he would keep the bike upright if we just let him take over. My daughter did significantly better at this than I. She also had a better ride than I did, because she just let it happen. She was able to fully experience the novelty of the situation. Like her, if I could just learn to trust and not insist on full control, the experience would be much more enjoyable.
I am in no way saying that this is an easy process. But maybe, starting today, we can all give up a little bit of control, work through the fear, and trust more. Control is an illusion. It doesn't really exist, because we simply cannot predict and control every possibility that can happen. Sometimes we just need to trust the driver and enjoy the ride.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Self-expression
"Because there is only one of you in all of time, your expression is unique. And if you block it, it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open."
-- Martha Graham (dancer and choreographer)
I love quotes. Such a way to succinctly describe your philosophy of life! So when I saw this one I just had to use it somehow. I thought it quite fitting to begin my blog with.
Self-expression is such an important part of affirming ourselves and our contribution to the world. But all too often, we harshly edit our self-expression, and the world misses out on our most unique attributes or ideas. As children, we are much freer with our selves and our bodies. Children are naturally creative. Then as the socialization process happens, we begin to lose that spontaneity and openness that we had from the start. We start to shape our being in accordance with expectations of others. Not always a bad thing, of course. Life does have rules and difficulties and hard work.
But sometimes people lose that spark that makes them an individual. We become slaves to the clock, to convention, to policy and yes... to money. We no longer seem to be making a unique mark on the world; instead, it brands us with a narrowly defined, one-size-fits-all personality, and we can begin to feel that life is tedious and un-me.
Many people starting psychotherapy are burned-out, stressed-out, and fatigued. We sometimes call it depression or anxiety, and there are clinical cases of these, but sometimes, I think they've just lost touch with what is important, lost touch with themselves. They no longer know who they are. And they no longer resemble at all that little child with a quick laugh, who danced and giggled and acted silly and just plain loved life and being alive on this Earth.
One of my goals in therapy is to help people find that part of themselves again: to laugh, to love, to live. (oh, no, she's not gonna use the term "inner child", is she?). But the amazing thing that happens is when people start to take themselves less seriously, and to enjoy the joy, they begin to feel less stressed, less depressed; they have more energy. They are creative again, back in touch with themselves and also more in touch with the Divine, or the Spiritual side of life. The spiritual side of life is intuitive and spontaneous, not logical and organized.
Yes, there is a place for both. We need both. But in this rat race, dog eat dog world, maybe what we need right now is a little more fun and a little more self-expression. Don't block it. Don't squash it. Don't let the world squash it. Let it out. Be creative. Dance. Sing. Write poetry. Paint a picture. Play the piano even if you don't know how. Dig in the sand. Be yourself. Just be.
-- Martha Graham (dancer and choreographer)
I love quotes. Such a way to succinctly describe your philosophy of life! So when I saw this one I just had to use it somehow. I thought it quite fitting to begin my blog with.
Self-expression is such an important part of affirming ourselves and our contribution to the world. But all too often, we harshly edit our self-expression, and the world misses out on our most unique attributes or ideas. As children, we are much freer with our selves and our bodies. Children are naturally creative. Then as the socialization process happens, we begin to lose that spontaneity and openness that we had from the start. We start to shape our being in accordance with expectations of others. Not always a bad thing, of course. Life does have rules and difficulties and hard work.
But sometimes people lose that spark that makes them an individual. We become slaves to the clock, to convention, to policy and yes... to money. We no longer seem to be making a unique mark on the world; instead, it brands us with a narrowly defined, one-size-fits-all personality, and we can begin to feel that life is tedious and un-me.
Many people starting psychotherapy are burned-out, stressed-out, and fatigued. We sometimes call it depression or anxiety, and there are clinical cases of these, but sometimes, I think they've just lost touch with what is important, lost touch with themselves. They no longer know who they are. And they no longer resemble at all that little child with a quick laugh, who danced and giggled and acted silly and just plain loved life and being alive on this Earth.
One of my goals in therapy is to help people find that part of themselves again: to laugh, to love, to live. (oh, no, she's not gonna use the term "inner child", is she?). But the amazing thing that happens is when people start to take themselves less seriously, and to enjoy the joy, they begin to feel less stressed, less depressed; they have more energy. They are creative again, back in touch with themselves and also more in touch with the Divine, or the Spiritual side of life. The spiritual side of life is intuitive and spontaneous, not logical and organized.
Yes, there is a place for both. We need both. But in this rat race, dog eat dog world, maybe what we need right now is a little more fun and a little more self-expression. Don't block it. Don't squash it. Don't let the world squash it. Let it out. Be creative. Dance. Sing. Write poetry. Paint a picture. Play the piano even if you don't know how. Dig in the sand. Be yourself. Just be.
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